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I really wish that I did not have any responsibilities tommorow. However, what I wish even more that I didn't need to sleep. I wish that I could stay awake for the rest of my life and never hallucinate or become psychotic due to a lack of sleep.

I tend to drink every evening, usually I begin before dinner. I feel more open, then. During the day, I am so rigid. I micromanage myself by the minute. I left lunch yesterday at a socially unnatural time, because the time that I had predetermined for myself to begin working again had come. I ended up missing out on having fun with my friends after lunch. I am too rigid. When the night comes, I suddenly become loose, as I am right now. But, nobody is awake right now, except for my boyfriend and a friend of ours are working on a presentation, and I have no desire to socialize with them at the moment. I need time alone. I have no desire to do work, despite needing to do so much more of it. It gets to a point where, despite my passion for the things that I study, I still feel that I am lacking in stimulation. There is so much more to do that goes beyond the classes that I take.

Tonight, I am having cocaine and drinking beer. My roomate/good friend went to bed. So, I am alone. I needed this, really. My boyfriend and I had purchased the cocaine from another friend of ours two nights ago. I want to do more, but I know that I will not sleep, and I am already in the habit of hardly sleeping. At the same time, I cannot help but think that, as I am so young, I may as well do it. I know that I will have no need or desire to do this after my mid twenties, aside from the occasional weekend out. I am often astounded at how much my body and mind is able to endure. As long as I am still able to function in society, it is good. I do the things that make me functional. If I do not do these things that make me functional, I will not be functional. Obviously.